DIY Fission Reactors And You

Every once in a while I check the lint filters here at the blog and find something unusual caught in the traps.

This morning was no exception. Last week, several people arrived at this site via Google searches for “DIY fission” and “DIY fusion reactors.”

I’m not sure whether I should be more concerned that people are looking or that Google, in its infinite wisdom, thought I was the person to teach them how this is done. Particularly considering that the next most popular search that led people here was “I miss my anxiety.” (Good news. That DIY fission reactor will calm you right down.)

But a good author listens to the reader, and since you’re here and asking, let’s talk nuclear science.

HOW TO BUILD A DIY FISSION REACTOR.

Step 1: Dig a hole in the backyard. (Two feet deep ought to do it. Atoms are pretty small.)

Step 2: Line the hole with tin foil. (If you have any left over, make yourself some protective headgear. Safety first!)

Step 3: Find a hammer and some cooperative atoms. (I’ve heard hydrogen works well for this purpose, but I can’t say for sure. The ones I capture keep floating away.)

Step 4: Put the atoms in the hole. Stack them carefully, one on top of the other. (The stacking is critical. Otherwise they just bounce around when you hit them.)

Step 5: RELEASE THE KRAKEN! No, wait, that’s wrong. Let me check my notes….

OK, got it.

Step 5: Hit the atoms with the hammer. This may take a few tries. Also, don’t hit yourself with the hammer. Especially claw hammers. They hurt. In fact, hammers are dangerous. Forget the hammer. Go get a box of Q-Tips and hit the atoms with those instead. You’ll have to swing them harder to make this work, but there’s much less chance of injury. Nobody ever brained himself with a Q-Tip.

Step 6: Harvest your new source of INFINITE COSMIC POWER!

Step 7: Rule the Universe (As father and son – unless you don’t have a son, or unless you’re a woman, in which case you’re pretty much on your own.)

Tune in next week, when our topic will be DIY UNICORN HUNTING. (Step 1: Make a harness of rainbows….)